The following is a lighthearted speech that we wrote for a best man for his brother's wedding.
For those of you who do not know me, I am the groom’s brother and my name is John. I would first like to express my heartfelt thanks to Chris and Diane for the privilege of being the best man on their special day.
As some of you know, Diane has a great fascination with wolves. She has small porcelain wolves, clocks decorated with wolves, picture frames in the shape of wolves and maybe even big fluffy wolf slippers that she wears when she watches her other sweetheart Dale Earnhardt Jr. during NASCAR races in private for all I know.
And who can blame her for liking wolves so much. In many ancient myths, the wolf was portrayed as brave, honorable, and intelligent. I hope that she sees some of these traits in Chris, but I do know for sure that he thinks that Diane is quite a fox.
Chris is very organized and somewhat of a neat freak. When we were kids we used to share the same bedroom and he used to drive me nuts with his tidiness since I was somewhat on the messy side.
We very much resembled the neurotic Felix Unger and sports-loving slob Oscar Madison from The Odd Couple TV show. I guess it is fitting that Chris grew up to use his considerable organizational skills as a prim and proper shipping coordinator and I as a plumber, putting my hands in some strangers’ slimy toilets all day long.
One thing that Chris and Diane do have in common is that they are both very shy. Although they had known each other for quite some time, and a few people put some frustrating, gut-wrenching effort getting them together, it took several months before they started seriously dating each other.
Chris first met Diane at our first wedding anniversary party but didn't talk to her at all. My wife Rosie then got them to go out with us and Rosie’s sister and her husband one night, but they didn’t say anything to each other that night also. So Rosie suggested to Chris and Diane that they should go out by themselves and they did.
In an effort to help improve the communication and strengthen the relationship between Chris and Diane, I seriously considered buying each of them a copy of the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
However I quickly realized that there would be one big problem with this genius idea of mine. Chris, being one of the biggest Star Wars fans around, virtually lives in a galaxy far, far away. He spends more time with Star Wars paraphernalia that are stored in a countless number of Rubbermaid containers in my parents’ basement than George Bush does at his ranch in Texas. So he probably wouldn’t understand this book.
Finally, they ended up going on a date alone. But I guess Chris didn’t really know what to say or do, so he brought Diane to a Home Depot outlet, of all places. With their motto being “You can do it. We can help.” Chris must have thought that there was a department for guys who don’t know how to talk to girls, hidden somewhere in the flower and garden department, that would be of assistance to him.
But something must have happened during that visit at Home Depot because they have been together ever since. It is almost as if Chris put some kind of transparent glue or caulking on Diane, when she wasn’t looking, for her to bond to him ever since.
Now Chris is very quiet when he is initially placed in unfamiliar territory, but once he gets comfortable with the people around him you have as much chance of shutting him up as baseball player Rafael Palmeiro has of admitting that he has taken steroids.
Hopefully, starting today, Chris will quickly get to speed that he should talk less and listen more to his lovely wife Diane. That’s because married women can and will use what their husbands say against them for a very, very long time.
To paraphrase Yoda, that wise old Jedi Master from the Star Wars movies, “Chris, talking to your wife is the path to the Dark Side. Talking too much leads to wife’s anger; wife’s anger leads to wife’s hate; wife’s hate leads to husband’s suffering. I sense much suffering in you."
On a serious note, a man couldn’t have an honour more special than being the best man at his brother’s wedding. I am very happy for Chris. And Diane looks absolutely stunning today, but this pales in comparison to the beauty of her soul. Her caring nature, loyalty and heart of gold are a wonderful addition not only to Chris’s life, but to our family as well. We are truly blessed to now be able to call Diane our sister.
Although the seeds of your relationship took a while to sprout, Chris and Diane, it has quickly blossomed through your undeniable love, trust and dedication for each other for everyone else to see. May your relationship continue to flourish, your dreams become fulfilled, and the rest of your life be filled with the joy and happiness that fill your hearts today.
May God bless you both and may The Force be with you always. Cheers!